Pope Benedict has made two announcements today that potentially hold earth shattering consequences for the future of the Catholic Church, and indeed the Papacy itself.
“We feel it’s time to update the image of the Church,” said the Pontiff in an official statement, “and feel that now is indeed the time to do so.”
His Holiness went on to describe plans for this revolutionary vision;
“The first thing we’re doing is renaming the Bible. It’s a big move, but we think it’s for the best.”
Once the uproar at this lead in had subsided, and Richard Dawkins recovered from his mild stroke, Benedictus XVI continued;
“After much discussion amongst myself and our new PR representatives, we have decided on ‘The Anthology’. Not only does it more accurately describe the content of the Good Book, but it worked for the Beatles, and they were after all bigger than.. well, you know who.”
“Before we take questions, I’d like to make my second announcement, which I’m rather excited about, actually.” continued the pointy hatted one.
“With the astounding success of my first album released by Geffen Records, I’ve decided to release a second – this time in partnership with madeyalook Records, and to coincide with the drastic changes in our marketing of the Bible – forgive me, ‘The Anthology’ – It’ll be a rap album.”
“Furthermore, the album will be released under my own new name. I have decided that the title: ‘His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI, Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman province, Sovereign of the State of the Vatican City, Servant of the Servants of God’ is just too much of a mouthful – particularly with a German accent.
“So, as of today, I shall be known simply as ‘P-Biddy’”
The Pizzle fo Shizzle
The announcement came to an abrupt and unfortunate close, due to some strange, albeit interesting weather phenomena – dark thunder clouds rolled in faster than meteorologists thought possible, toads started falling out of them, and everybody’s complimentary gatorade turned into blood.
Fortunately, Prometheus Ink was able to speak with His Holiness – sorry – ‘P-Biddy’, after the event, and can confirm a few details:
The Album will be titled: ‘Words of God from the mouth of B-Dawg’.
The Pontiff explained this was the first consideration for his name change, but he wasn’t quite sure if the emphasis should be on the ‘d’ or the ‘w’ in ‘dawg’, so instead he opted to set it in stone as Album name (and Title track, or so the rumour mill has churned)
It was co-produced, written and will be promoted by legend – Rick Astley, and being pressed by 732 enslaved victims of possession.
We even manage to get hold of some lyrics (though the Pope remained extremely secretive about the tune)
I’m da P to da O to da P to da E
Representin’ my homie – know Him?
G.O.D
He’s da Lord, He’s da bomb
He’s a real rad dude
Gave his son to everyone
JC the zombie Jew
We think the kids will love it.
In other news today, April 1, 2010:
Google Leave Australia over ‘evil’ filter | ZDnet Australia
Google introduces ‘OCCA’ product for Australia| Google Australia Blog